Is there a difference, God?

I deal with incoherence once in awhile. Today's, 'once in a awhile'.

Not one person is able to withstand living in this world without experiencing a breaking of their heart and spirit. No matter how incredibly strong they actually are or appear to be and no matter how tough a fight they put up, they break anyway. Life's just not that easy on us, it shoots us, it causes us to fall, flat.

It's hard to continuously have a winning mentality. Having the attitude, and carrying it really are two different things. There seems to be a price, some sort of burden that causes your shoulders to feel heavy. I tell myself that it's heavy and it's just so hard to carry.

I have questions, I have issues, I have tears falling uncontrollably. So don't ask me if I'm okay, I'm not okay. Though I said I was when a couple of people asked, I lied. And yes, I'm sorry. It's what I do, I find excuses. I run away. At the end of all that, I have God too.

Needing God is more than having Him to bear our sin, it's more than needing Him to control our lives - God does all that without having to ask for your consent. We live for God, not the other way around.

I know I'll get tired. I am tired. I know everyone else is too.

Mothers are tired of having to work and actually being the one cooking, cleaning, washing at home. They grow tired, and weary. Fathers tire themselves after a long day at work, having to face up to the pressure of being the head of the household and bearing all the bills. Siblings get tired of their siblings and having to put up with their noise. Children get tired of meeting expectations, of going to school, sitting for tests and exams and balancing their physical and spiritual lives. That goes for everyone else.

I need to look up, now. I have to stop living in what I've known to be right, because I'm wrong. I'm beginning to reject certain things, beginning to shun away and I'm simply trying to stay afloat.

Don't chase, until you're ready to catch.

The lingering questions running down my heartstrings aren't supposed to be vocalized. You don't arouse something, or anything for that matter, pre-maturely.

Today was one of the 'not so good days'. My eyelids grew incredibly heavy, my heart sank, my spirits were in the valleys and I couldn't bring myself to do anything more. Not until I got myself right. Don't blame me for being truthful and outright honest. I don't even know who reads this but please, let me, be me. I don't think I've been that person enough, when I should be everyday.

I thank God for finally allowing me to throw off that human tendency - The one where you care so much about what others think of you. Others don't define who you are. I used to be hurt, embarrassed and extremely defensive, but I'm not experiencing that very much anymore. Or at least, I think so. I'm glad.

Is that enough of being superbly incoherent? I think this is the one moment I've ever been this consistent in doing something I don't usually do when I write.

I'll be waiting at the other end God, see You there.